X-MEN: THE LAST STAND
starring: hugh jackman, halle berry, ian mckellen...
director: brett ratner
writers: simon kinberg and zak penn
date: 05/29/06
reviewer: Suj
rating: 1/10
Comic books have more than often been laughed at and scratched off as an inadequate form of literature. People see it as childish, the bastard child of novels and art. But if one were to actually pick up one of these “comic books” one would able to witness its magic, its stories of divine beings, beings possessed with great power, each with their own tragic flaw. All of which stand to represent an ideal, and the struggle to come to terms with their role in the world. You have Superman who is the indestructible embodiment of truth and justice. You have Batman who symbolizes the notion of brain over brawn. And then you have Spider-Man who represents the youthful, miserable spirit whose been granted with great power, only to be forced to understand that "with great power comes great responsibility."
Comic books are moral lessons wrapped in entertaining metaphors, just as early mythology and fables were. And to properly translate these stories and these characters to the big screen, you don’t have to absolutely stick to the facts. Instead one must stick to the soul of what you’re adapting. It’s about the idea, the idea of these powerful beings stuck in surreal situations, and how it effects them emotionally. It’s all about the essence, the soul.
The film adaptations of Superman, Batman and Spider-Man ignore some of the very important facts about the history of each character. The reason for this is that it’s virtually impossible to create a direct adaptation of these characters, it really is impossible. There's a rich history, It's way too much. But what the film makers do to counter the changes they make is that they capture the characters soul as they were written. They capture their very being and plaster it onto the screen with such power and emotion.
Richard Donner got Superman right, he got the Kent’s right, he got Lois right, and it was absolutely, without a doubt, a Superman story. Then you have Spider-Man with the organic web shooters, a mechanical Green Goblin suit, and no Gwen Stacy. But with those changes, Sam Raimi was able to make one phenomenal movie because they got Peter Parker right. They got Spider-Man right. They got his struggle, his emotion; they got the character right with a bullet. These films are prime examples of exactly how a comic book adaptation should be done. They treat the material as mythology, as a fable, as sacred text not to be extraordinarily messed with in order to make the most money from its already established fan base. They get things right.
The X-Men franchise, on the other hand, is a whole different story. The first film got a couple of characters very wrong, but seeds were planted that would make for a bigger and better installment and that was the case with X2. It apologized, and got absolutely everything right. Smiles were had by everyone watching, it was poetry in motion. All of a sudden Wolverine actually was Wolverine. Nightcrawler was introduced and was spot on, and they captured the alienation of the mutant community perfectly. With this film Bryan Singer got the X-Men right. And to make our geek erections all aroused even more so, they gave us that final shot. You all know what shot I’m talking about. The promise of the single most kick ass X-Men story ever told put in the hands of the people that got the X-Men right. The mother fucking Dark Phoenix Saga. Hands in the sky, pants off, and smile from ear to ear. The mother fucking Dark Phoenix Saga.
You see, The Dark Phoenix Saga is perhaps one of the greatest X-Men stories ever told and arguably one of the greatest comic book stories ever told. It’s big, it’s epic, its Jessica Alba and Kate Bosworth rubbing sun tan lotion on each other good. It has love, jealousy, betrayal, intrigue, and sacrifice. It has everything that makes any story epic and big. It’s practically Shakespearian. Truth be told, it too would be an impossible task to recreate. No one expected it to be a direct translation because it would be literally impossible to include the Shi’ar Empire, the Corsairs, and the whole outer space segment entirely. Like I stated it would be impossible to jam pack one movie with all of this classic continuity.
But I for one did not expect what was shown in X-Men: The Last Stand to be its on-screen legacy because that was not the Phoenix saga. Sure, everyone called Jean Grey the Phoenix, but what was perfectly described by Patrick Stewart’s character in his brief analysis of her was never shown. There’s was no earth shattering powers, no corruption and tormenting of her character. She was simply Super Jean Grey, the mutant with the spectacular power to show off her veins. We are never shown the manifestation of the Phoenix force; you know that shadowy figure we all saw underneath the water at the end of X2. Here, Jean Grey as the Phoenix is negated to simply follow Magneto around becoming one of his goons just standing there while looking all too menacing. Your going to tell me that's the on screen legacy of the Phoenix saga? What the fuck! This was simply a silver screen bastardization of one the greatest X-Men stories ever told. Fuck you. Fuck you.
The promise shown at the end of X2 will never be fulfilled. We will never get to see the Phoenix. That promise has been broken by two pathetic writers, a fucking asshole studio executive, and the biggest tool director of all time, how fucking dare you. Now, all I can ask myself is what if Bryan Singer was allowed to do his Phoenix Saga film? What would it have been like? Sadly, we’ll never know. And that’s a crime. I’m heart broken; dashboard confessional is playing on iTunes right now as I stare at newly downloaded images of Famke Janssen that I’ve made into a makeshift collage. Teardrop.
Besides my absolute distaste of how they handled the Phoenix, the film in all honesty is a dismal mess. The writing is atrocious because after all these are the same people that brought us such cinematic gems as: xXx: State of the Union, Behind Enemy Lines and Elektra. Yup, I know. With that you get flat and stupid dialogue which is almost always painful to watch. They also introduce a shit load of characters without actually developing a single one of them. Absolutely no character development whatsoever, it feels like everyone is just there looking pretty while a hack puppeteer directs him or her. You bring Colossus into the mix; make him a full-fledged member of the team and the only thing he says is a response to Bobby Drake as to the whereabouts of Rouge. WTF? You put these kids on the team with no explanation was to why? You bring in the danger room, so that you can show a sentinels head? You put Bolivar Trask in the film and make no mention of his connection to the sentinels? You bring in Juggernaught only to make him have no relation to Professor X? You put Angel in the film as one of the new characters only to make him soar through the sky, disappear, and then once again soar through the sky? You finally give us an Iceman versus Pyro fight, only for it to end when Iceman finally icing up only to deliver a lackluster head butt? No Ice slides? You have all 5 of the original X-Men in one movie and not have them be in one scene together? You kill off the leader of the X-Men in the midst of the Phoenix saga? You kill off the love of Jean Grey’s life in the midst of her darkest hour? WTF? You give Halle Barry more screen time? Fuck! There is a whole a lot of other depressing shit that would be tiresome to write. Fuck! Seriously, WTF?
Watching this garbage it all felt as if the actors on screen and the people behind the scenes were laughing at me, pointing and laughing at me because I actually paid money to see this shit. And by shit I mean that hot pile of consumed waste that comes shooting out of your asshole. I can’t forgive the lousy writing, the terrible direction the producers chose for the series and ultimately the canned leadership of that fucking Ratner. With this film they undo almost every major plot decision they made with the film to begin with. Those characters that were thought dead are not dead; those characters that lost their powers didn’t really lose their powers. They hit us with emotional resonance, making decisions that piss off the world of fandom and then they don’t even have the balls to stick with it. WTF?
Perhaps I’m being too harsh on this film, because after all there was some good when it was all said and done. The bad writing and directing could not interfere with the greatness that is Ian McKellen’s Magneto. The busting out of Mystique and the destruction of the golden gate bride was visually awesome. The fastball speacial between Wolverine and Colossus, the opening visit to the Grey household, and the troubled Angel torturing himself in the bathroom, were all great moments. The straight out of the comics "Take off your glasses...open your eyes" moment was a joy to watch. I even like the way they handled Beast, the whole government aspect of the character and the way they made it seem as if he was an old member of the X-Men. And the whole cure storyline fits into the previous two films as a device for bringing Magneto and Xavier’s philosophies to a head to head battle. Now, if only they stuck with the cure storyline to cap off this first trilogy, and perhaps save the Phoenix for the next installment this film would have been good. It would have given more emphasis and development to the other characters, to establish them, and give them bigger and better stuff to do in the coming sequels. But now, it’s all just a gigantic “What if?”
To conclude, this film is pathetic and really breaks my heart because I really wanted this to be good. I really wanted Singer to finish off what he started. I wanted the fucking Phoenix saga with the mother fucking Phoenix force. But Brett Ratner makes for shitty filmmaking and coupled with equally shitty writers (Simon Kinberg & Zak Penn) it all equals up to shitty movie with a depressing end for several great characters. Were this simply the first of the X-Men series, I might have simply just disliked the film, but it’s not. It comes on the heels of a perfect X-Men movie.
So, fuck you Tom Rothman, Simon Kinberg, Zak Penn, and Brett Ratner. Why? For single handily destroying what could have been an outstanding third installment of a fantastic comic book movie franchise. Sure, I may be completely and utterly biased with my perspective because I truly despise and hate director Brett Ratner and believe him to be one of the biggest hacks on the face of the planet, but if you’re a fan the comics, you too have felt my pain at the hands of these goons. These goons should be thrown into a vault and be forced to watch the guy who played Dauber on Coach eat packs of yogurt for all of eternity. They all should be put in compromising positions with Bea Arthur’s penis. Fuck you, fuck you all to hell...But who am I to judge? The film made $120 million dollars this past weekend. To them its all about the money and not the integrity of story and character. And that's a shame.
director: brett ratner
writers: simon kinberg and zak penn
date: 05/29/06
reviewer: Suj
rating: 1/10
Comic books have more than often been laughed at and scratched off as an inadequate form of literature. People see it as childish, the bastard child of novels and art. But if one were to actually pick up one of these “comic books” one would able to witness its magic, its stories of divine beings, beings possessed with great power, each with their own tragic flaw. All of which stand to represent an ideal, and the struggle to come to terms with their role in the world. You have Superman who is the indestructible embodiment of truth and justice. You have Batman who symbolizes the notion of brain over brawn. And then you have Spider-Man who represents the youthful, miserable spirit whose been granted with great power, only to be forced to understand that "with great power comes great responsibility."
Comic books are moral lessons wrapped in entertaining metaphors, just as early mythology and fables were. And to properly translate these stories and these characters to the big screen, you don’t have to absolutely stick to the facts. Instead one must stick to the soul of what you’re adapting. It’s about the idea, the idea of these powerful beings stuck in surreal situations, and how it effects them emotionally. It’s all about the essence, the soul.
The film adaptations of Superman, Batman and Spider-Man ignore some of the very important facts about the history of each character. The reason for this is that it’s virtually impossible to create a direct adaptation of these characters, it really is impossible. There's a rich history, It's way too much. But what the film makers do to counter the changes they make is that they capture the characters soul as they were written. They capture their very being and plaster it onto the screen with such power and emotion.
Richard Donner got Superman right, he got the Kent’s right, he got Lois right, and it was absolutely, without a doubt, a Superman story. Then you have Spider-Man with the organic web shooters, a mechanical Green Goblin suit, and no Gwen Stacy. But with those changes, Sam Raimi was able to make one phenomenal movie because they got Peter Parker right. They got Spider-Man right. They got his struggle, his emotion; they got the character right with a bullet. These films are prime examples of exactly how a comic book adaptation should be done. They treat the material as mythology, as a fable, as sacred text not to be extraordinarily messed with in order to make the most money from its already established fan base. They get things right.
The X-Men franchise, on the other hand, is a whole different story. The first film got a couple of characters very wrong, but seeds were planted that would make for a bigger and better installment and that was the case with X2. It apologized, and got absolutely everything right. Smiles were had by everyone watching, it was poetry in motion. All of a sudden Wolverine actually was Wolverine. Nightcrawler was introduced and was spot on, and they captured the alienation of the mutant community perfectly. With this film Bryan Singer got the X-Men right. And to make our geek erections all aroused even more so, they gave us that final shot. You all know what shot I’m talking about. The promise of the single most kick ass X-Men story ever told put in the hands of the people that got the X-Men right. The mother fucking Dark Phoenix Saga. Hands in the sky, pants off, and smile from ear to ear. The mother fucking Dark Phoenix Saga.
You see, The Dark Phoenix Saga is perhaps one of the greatest X-Men stories ever told and arguably one of the greatest comic book stories ever told. It’s big, it’s epic, its Jessica Alba and Kate Bosworth rubbing sun tan lotion on each other good. It has love, jealousy, betrayal, intrigue, and sacrifice. It has everything that makes any story epic and big. It’s practically Shakespearian. Truth be told, it too would be an impossible task to recreate. No one expected it to be a direct translation because it would be literally impossible to include the Shi’ar Empire, the Corsairs, and the whole outer space segment entirely. Like I stated it would be impossible to jam pack one movie with all of this classic continuity.
But I for one did not expect what was shown in X-Men: The Last Stand to be its on-screen legacy because that was not the Phoenix saga. Sure, everyone called Jean Grey the Phoenix, but what was perfectly described by Patrick Stewart’s character in his brief analysis of her was never shown. There’s was no earth shattering powers, no corruption and tormenting of her character. She was simply Super Jean Grey, the mutant with the spectacular power to show off her veins. We are never shown the manifestation of the Phoenix force; you know that shadowy figure we all saw underneath the water at the end of X2. Here, Jean Grey as the Phoenix is negated to simply follow Magneto around becoming one of his goons just standing there while looking all too menacing. Your going to tell me that's the on screen legacy of the Phoenix saga? What the fuck! This was simply a silver screen bastardization of one the greatest X-Men stories ever told. Fuck you. Fuck you.
The promise shown at the end of X2 will never be fulfilled. We will never get to see the Phoenix. That promise has been broken by two pathetic writers, a fucking asshole studio executive, and the biggest tool director of all time, how fucking dare you. Now, all I can ask myself is what if Bryan Singer was allowed to do his Phoenix Saga film? What would it have been like? Sadly, we’ll never know. And that’s a crime. I’m heart broken; dashboard confessional is playing on iTunes right now as I stare at newly downloaded images of Famke Janssen that I’ve made into a makeshift collage. Teardrop.
Besides my absolute distaste of how they handled the Phoenix, the film in all honesty is a dismal mess. The writing is atrocious because after all these are the same people that brought us such cinematic gems as: xXx: State of the Union, Behind Enemy Lines and Elektra. Yup, I know. With that you get flat and stupid dialogue which is almost always painful to watch. They also introduce a shit load of characters without actually developing a single one of them. Absolutely no character development whatsoever, it feels like everyone is just there looking pretty while a hack puppeteer directs him or her. You bring Colossus into the mix; make him a full-fledged member of the team and the only thing he says is a response to Bobby Drake as to the whereabouts of Rouge. WTF? You put these kids on the team with no explanation was to why? You bring in the danger room, so that you can show a sentinels head? You put Bolivar Trask in the film and make no mention of his connection to the sentinels? You bring in Juggernaught only to make him have no relation to Professor X? You put Angel in the film as one of the new characters only to make him soar through the sky, disappear, and then once again soar through the sky? You finally give us an Iceman versus Pyro fight, only for it to end when Iceman finally icing up only to deliver a lackluster head butt? No Ice slides? You have all 5 of the original X-Men in one movie and not have them be in one scene together? You kill off the leader of the X-Men in the midst of the Phoenix saga? You kill off the love of Jean Grey’s life in the midst of her darkest hour? WTF? You give Halle Barry more screen time? Fuck! There is a whole a lot of other depressing shit that would be tiresome to write. Fuck! Seriously, WTF?
Watching this garbage it all felt as if the actors on screen and the people behind the scenes were laughing at me, pointing and laughing at me because I actually paid money to see this shit. And by shit I mean that hot pile of consumed waste that comes shooting out of your asshole. I can’t forgive the lousy writing, the terrible direction the producers chose for the series and ultimately the canned leadership of that fucking Ratner. With this film they undo almost every major plot decision they made with the film to begin with. Those characters that were thought dead are not dead; those characters that lost their powers didn’t really lose their powers. They hit us with emotional resonance, making decisions that piss off the world of fandom and then they don’t even have the balls to stick with it. WTF?
Perhaps I’m being too harsh on this film, because after all there was some good when it was all said and done. The bad writing and directing could not interfere with the greatness that is Ian McKellen’s Magneto. The busting out of Mystique and the destruction of the golden gate bride was visually awesome. The fastball speacial between Wolverine and Colossus, the opening visit to the Grey household, and the troubled Angel torturing himself in the bathroom, were all great moments. The straight out of the comics "Take off your glasses...open your eyes" moment was a joy to watch. I even like the way they handled Beast, the whole government aspect of the character and the way they made it seem as if he was an old member of the X-Men. And the whole cure storyline fits into the previous two films as a device for bringing Magneto and Xavier’s philosophies to a head to head battle. Now, if only they stuck with the cure storyline to cap off this first trilogy, and perhaps save the Phoenix for the next installment this film would have been good. It would have given more emphasis and development to the other characters, to establish them, and give them bigger and better stuff to do in the coming sequels. But now, it’s all just a gigantic “What if?”
To conclude, this film is pathetic and really breaks my heart because I really wanted this to be good. I really wanted Singer to finish off what he started. I wanted the fucking Phoenix saga with the mother fucking Phoenix force. But Brett Ratner makes for shitty filmmaking and coupled with equally shitty writers (Simon Kinberg & Zak Penn) it all equals up to shitty movie with a depressing end for several great characters. Were this simply the first of the X-Men series, I might have simply just disliked the film, but it’s not. It comes on the heels of a perfect X-Men movie.
So, fuck you Tom Rothman, Simon Kinberg, Zak Penn, and Brett Ratner. Why? For single handily destroying what could have been an outstanding third installment of a fantastic comic book movie franchise. Sure, I may be completely and utterly biased with my perspective because I truly despise and hate director Brett Ratner and believe him to be one of the biggest hacks on the face of the planet, but if you’re a fan the comics, you too have felt my pain at the hands of these goons. These goons should be thrown into a vault and be forced to watch the guy who played Dauber on Coach eat packs of yogurt for all of eternity. They all should be put in compromising positions with Bea Arthur’s penis. Fuck you, fuck you all to hell...But who am I to judge? The film made $120 million dollars this past weekend. To them its all about the money and not the integrity of story and character. And that's a shame.
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